A joke for Friday
I have just found this in amongst my emails, from a bloke, so I thought that you guys might like it :)
Two builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.
Phil: - 'Scuse me.. No offence meant but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.
Phil: - Oh! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Phil: - Er... Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Phil: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden
Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a Large garden then you have a large house?
Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Phil: - Me? Never.
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Phil: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.
Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Eric: - What's that then?
Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Eric: - Nope.
Phil: - Well then, you're a w****r
Thats a great one!
Excellent Helen.... but I'd like to contribute to the Friday celebrations with a few jokes dedicated to our Irish contingent:
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses ££500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet.
Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs.
Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost £500, and is afraid to come home.'
'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife.
'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.
***********************************************************
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.
'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.'Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy.
'That little O'Conner,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'
'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'
'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'
That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'
************************************************************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'
'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.
'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'
'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.
'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'
'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'
**********************************************************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
'Brenda, may I come in?' he asks. 'I've somethin' to tell ya'.
'Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?'
'That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery'
'Oh, God no!' cries Brenda. 'Please don't tell me.'
'I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. 'How did it happen, Tim?'
'It was terrible, Brenda.. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and drowned.'
'Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?'
'Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.'
**************************************************************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'
She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'
The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'
She says, 'That he did, Father.'
The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'
' She says, 'He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...' '
**************************************************************
AND THE BEST FOR LAST
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.'
fantastic morty!
racist and sexist and worst of all very very old jokes about as funny as Harry Hill
and?
well here's another one,
Young Paddy, moved to Roscommon and bought a Donkey from a farmer for
EUR100 . 00 . The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day . The
next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news,
the donkey died . '
Paddy replied,
'Well,then just give me my money back . '
The farmer said,
'Can't do that . I went and spent it already . '
Paddy said,
'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey . '
The farmer asked,
'What are ya gonna do with him?
Paddy said,
'I'm going to raffle him off . '
The farmer said,
'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Paddy said,
'Sure I can . Watch me . . I just won't tell anybody he's dead . '
A month later, the farmer met up with
Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Paddy said, 'I raffled him off . I sold 500 tickets at two euro's a piece
and
made a profit of EUR898 . 00 . '
The farmer said,
'Didn't anyone complain?'
Paddy said,
'Just the guy who won . So I gave him his two euro's back . '
Paddy now works for the Irish Government
racist and sexist and worst of all very very old jokes about as funny as Harry Hill
You sound like an old record mate....
A German guy approaches a prostitute. "I vish to buy sex mit you".
"OK" says the girl, "I charge €80 an hour".
"Ist gut, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky".
"No problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky".
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
"I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs". The girl finds This most odd, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees.
"Now you vill get on your hans und knees" She duly does this, balancing on the springs.
"You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you." She finds this odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying.
The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered the breath to say: "That was totally amazing, what do you call that?"
"Ah", says the German, "Four-sprung duck technique"
superb bear!
superb bear!
Yeah, but sexist, racist and technically biased nonetheless :lol:
Some more sexist stuff:
sorry just shows a degree of immaturity to me, this sort of wit died with Bernard Manning
A girl is standing at The Gates Of Heaven when she hears horrible screams of pain and torture coming from inside.
She says to St. Peter, "What's going on?"
He says, "That's the sound of new angels getting big holes drilled into their backs for their wings, and small holes drilled into their heads for their halos."
She says, "Heaven sounds terrible. I think maybe I'd rather go to Hell."
St. Peter says, "In Hell, you'll be constantly raped and sodomized."
She says, "That's okay. I've already got holes for that."
Some more sexist stuff:
This get the Spider1V 5* rating!
Spider1V - still in stitches! :lol:
A black PM IN Britain's future?
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/us_elections_2008/7713237.stm
Not sure it is fit for general consumption so tagged it on here to gauge reactions (if any) :)
lol I didn't even know who he was before a friend forwarded this to me
by your actions shall ye be known, your jokes are sexist, Mortinson's list is that of a misogynist do you feel that you are racist?
by your actions shall ye be known, your jokes are sexist, Mortinson's list is that of a misogynist do you feel that you are racist?
I don't know about the others but if you don't like what you read, I don't understand why you keep reading this forum. :roll:
Come on guys, no need to get personal just because you don’t share the same sense of humour.
If you make jokes, accept not everyone will appreciate them.
We are all born equal and should treat everyone we meet with respect,and not bring sexist remarks or stereotypes into play :shock:
http://www.dumpert.nl/mediabase/15774/eaa2b192/welkom_bij_de_cursus.html
I think that some here are being a little over sensitive, I have chosen my words carefully and not called anyone a racist or a sexist merely their jokes, it would need other things to come into play to make such a leap.
On a slightly less controversial note, are there any lorry driving G-wagen owners out there? [last Sunday's Top Gear]
Can I strongly suggest that when making comments we pepper them with smilies if they are meant in a joking manner whether or not we know the person. That way there is less potential for offence and those readers who don't know any of us do not get a mistaken impression...
Can't agree more
We are all born equal and should treat everyone we meet with respect,and not bring sexist remarks or stereotypes into play :shock:
http://www.dumpert.nl/mediabase/15774/eaa2b192/welkom_bij_de_cursus.html
I like this, very much! :twisted:
Spider1V
I am crying with laughter here :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
I
On a slightly less controversial note, are there any lorry driving G-wagen owners out there? [last Sunday's Top Gear]
Meet a lorry driver in a service station a few years ago, said he had a 400cdi, and was surprised to see 2 other Gs filling up with diesel.
Didn't look in his cab for bodies though :wink:
Not Friday anymore, but I wanted to post this one.
Sexist? Yes, of course. But I am a sexist man.I can still tell the differences between man and woman.
Cheers!
How To Shower Like a Woman
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohican
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
:lol:
Morty - I know this is hard to believe - but I actially have tears rolling down my face :lol: :lol: - I am sorry - but I will have to copy and send this out - deffinatly get a 5* GOLD Spider1V rateing!
Spider1V - still in stiches
the root of sexism is male inadequacy, the mocking of women in "humour" is an attempt by the sexually inadequate male to make himself/themselves feel better at women kinds expense. This is sad, women make up 50% of the population and have the same faults, fears and anxieties as us men, jokes which attempt to humiliate them do the opposite they shame and humiliate men, all men.
I hope that this puts an end to this correspondence
the root of sexism is male inadequacy, the mocking of women in "humour" is an attempt by the sexually inadequate male to make himself/themselves feel better at women kinds expense. This is sad, women make up 50% of the population and have the same faults, fears and anxieties as us men, jokes which attempt to humiliate them do the opposite they shame and humiliate men, all men.
I hope that this puts an end to this correspondence
Very well said - but I doubt it! :wink: :lol:
Spider1V
Mortinson - the best joke yet. 15/10 for that one. Tears rolling down face as Joe was. Whoo hoo. It isn't just my household then!
the root of sexism is male inadequacy, the mocking of women in "humour" is an attempt by the sexually inadequate male to make himself/themselves feel better at women kinds expense. This is sad, women make up 50% of the population and have the same faults, fears and anxieties as us men, jokes which attempt to humiliate them do the opposite they shame and humiliate men, all men.
I hope that this puts an end to this correspondence
BTW, I was copied on this joke (and most of the others) by my beloved wife when she was sending it to her girlfriends....
I am starting to believe that you are the "inadequate" to this forum. In any case, please consider my messages in this forum as not at all addressed to you and consequently refrain from replying to them, because I am NOT talking to you. SO YES, THIS IS THE END TO ALL YOUR CORRESPONDENCE WITH ME.
Is this clear enough or shall I write it in Portuguese, Italian, German or Spanish?
a philosophical/rhetorical question, why put on "jokes" when one has no sense of humour.
Spider 1V understands
This is where we need a separate joke thread or forum, and for it to come with a warning that it may contain rude or offensive jokes. If the reader thinks they may be, then they should not read them in the first place.
oh the joy's of forums!
The right to express one's self and to have others express them selves. The joy of forums is having that right, especially here.
I have no problems with ANYONE's Beliefs so long as they do not personally hurt, upset or annoy me or others. If so , as is the right on a forum you can reply and state your issues/concerns, but you must not make it personal.
As for common decency - I will keep my one legged, black lesbian, homosexual purveyor of underage human flesh jokes OFF this forum ('cos I am a nice bloke) - but please some people take a chill pill, relax and enjoy this for what it is - a forum (yes and you guys that 'Lurk' and don't comment - give it a go sometime.......)
Ok Enough said - back to beating the wife and kids - I also think that as in other forums we should have a joke section - with an explicit warning that this does not reflect the general stance of other users or G owners and that content is read ENTIRLY AT THE READERS RISK. If negative comments are to be made - make them directly to the owner and CC in an admin?
Spider1V
Yep I agree with Spider1V. I spend my working life having to be incredibly politically correct and enjoy reading the non PC jokes and having a laugh on my return from the educational establishment where i work, and I expect the majority of people who read but don't comment will agree with me. we aren't racist or sexist in our day to day lives in anyway that effects the wellbeing of others and should be able to enjoy each others jokes without being frequently critisised.
:idea: Also as I was the one who started this link i will permit myself one more joke, well actually it is more of a question :!:
If a gentleman of any race colour or creed had five penises, would his pants fit like a glove :?: :lol: :twisted:
Yep I agree with Spider1V. I spend my working life having to be incredibly politically correct and enjoy reading the non PC jokes and having a laugh on my return from the educational establishment where i work, and I expect the majority of people who read but don't comment will agree with me. we aren't racist or sexist in our day to day lives in anyway that effects the wellbeing of others and should be able to enjoy each others jokes without being frequently critisised.
:idea: Also as I was the one who started this link i will permit myself one more joke, well actually it is more of a question :!:
If a gentleman of any race colour or creed had five penises, would his pants fit like a glove :?: :lol: :twisted:
:P
Spider1V
Guys don't make it personal.
Mortinson/PR Wales shake hands and please if you don't agree with each other just ignore each other.
Guys don't make it personal.
Mortinson/PR Wales shake hands and please if you don't agree with each other just ignore each other.
Yes, please, let him IGNORE ME.
I have let his previous comments pass by in the hope that he would get tired of spreading his politically correct bull's manure but then he started to make personal judgements about me... if he doesn't like my jokes, let him refrain from reading them but let him also leave me alone with my "male inadequacy"... I am extremely happy with how I am.
re Mortinson; You are making this personal not me, my comments are generalisations about sexism and if you are not prepared to have people respond to what you write I would suggest that you do not submit anything. For the record your knowlege of all things "G" does you great credit as does your input on off roading, in those areas I will happily defer but in other matters such as "humour" you need to develop a thicker skin.
regards
I really hate doing this as I would like to think we are all adults and hence can treat each other with respect but I see no alternative in this case but to lock this thread for the time being.
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