To the citizens of the United States of America

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mortinson
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To the citizens of the United States of America

From Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up 'vocabulary').

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U. S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler, although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nannies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

prwales
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Re: To the citizens of the United States of America

very funny but having a Queen in place of an elected head of state sort of makes us undemocratic and not quite grown up. It is far too easy to mock the political system in America, ours is equally bad, the only difference it seems to me that there are more layers and more concealment here so you never really know who is pulling the strings. In the USA this at least is transparent.

Maxwell Smart
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Re: To the citizens of the United States of America

prwales wrote:
....so you never really know who is pulling the strings. In the USA this at least is transparent.

Yes - big corporates liked Haliburton.

Spider1V
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Re: To the citizens of the United States of America

prwales wrote:
very funny but having a Queen in place of an elected head of state sort of makes us undemocratic and not quite grown up. It is far too easy to mock the political system in America, ours is equally bad, the only difference it seems to me that there are more layers and more concealment here so you never really know who is pulling the strings. In the USA this at least is transparent.

Off to the tower for you then, my boy! We will have none of that language and dissent from the Territories!

Spider1V - sado-monarchist!

peter perfect
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Re: To the citizens of the United States of America

prwales wrote:
very funny but having a Queen in place of an elected head of state sort of makes us undemocratic and not quite grown up. It is far too easy to mock the political system in America, ours is equally bad, the only difference it seems to me that there are more layers and more concealment here so you never really know who is pulling the strings. In the USA this at least is transparent.

and vote rigging is transparent :?:

gelandenwagen
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Re: To the citizens of the United States of America

A friend (an American ex-pat living here) sent a copy of this to me some time ago. I disagreed with the simpleton BBC logic of it all and penned an alternative. Lest we get too full of ourselves.

> To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign
> Majesty Queen Elizabeth II>

To the subjects of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II (nominal head of the former Great Britain now subsumed into a European state governed by unelected faceless suits in Brussels)

>In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent
>candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves,
>we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,
>effective immediately.

In light of your inability to impeach corrupt politicians or vote to stop the subjugation of your rights as British subject to the European state by vain politicians we hereby smile graciously upon you.

>Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
>duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except
>Kansas, which she does not fancy).

We in the US, having helped Europe stay free from the shackles of the power hungry despots that seem to appear in a continual stream in Europe seeking self-aggrandisement twice quite successfully in recent history we say "third time unlucky; if you can't be bothered, neither can we"

>Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for
>America without the need for further elections. Congress and the
>Senate will be disbanded.

Having watched Gordon Brown and Tony Blair appoint cronies to the House of Lords with no qualification other than services to the party purse (a far less equalitarian advancement than the tradition of accident of birth) we wash our hands of you.

>A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

>To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
>following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
>

To aid in the difficult period of the eventual post- European Dependency, the following suggestions are offered;

A treaty is a document. The European constitution is the same; it is written on paper and as such can be torn up. We suggest the adoption of an alternative; a Constitution adopted willingly, knowingly and introduced following bloody conflict, these tend to stick.

>You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

>1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You
>will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

1. Then look up habius corpus (from your Greek prison cell). While there also look up ID cards, DNA database and 'without let or hindrance'. You will be amazed and happy memories will flood back.

>2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour',
>'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell
>'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize'
>will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'.

2. We think it advisable that English remains the language of your country and if it does then endeavouring to refrain from prefixing most sentences with 'like er' or 'you know' would improve grammatical symmetry.

>Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
>acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

Generally it will be expected of you to lower your opinion of yourselves to that of our own of you; accuracy is important. It is probably redundant to mention it but the world would be a better place (well cleaner aesthetically more pleasing and more sanitary at least) if generally you learnt to look up your sniffy nose occasionally instead of down it continually.

>-----------------------

You'll just have to believe in this, I've just read the following paragraph for the first time and see my own earlier observation of 'like er' and 'you know' is shared by the original writers. Perhaps both parties have selective hearing.

>3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
>such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient
>form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will
>let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell- checker will
>be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the
>elimination of -ize.

When an ostrich buries it's head in the sand to avoid seeing something that displeases or concerns it, that thing does not cease to exist. Similarly US English exists as do Microsofts billions as do pompous oafs.

>-------------------

>4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

How quaint that November the fifth is celebrated. How very British to celebrate failure.

>-----------------

>5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
>lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
>therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent.
>Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort
>things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then
>you're not ready to shoot grouse.

>----------------------

We suggest you learn to settle personal disputes with guns generally. It seems awfully unsporting and dare we say; cowardly, to let only acned disaffected drug dealers recourse to satisfaction. It will prove character building I'm sure for subjects to realise that paying large amounts of money to stand in a field in the late autumn to shoot at defenceless birds driven towards the guns by subservient oiks is not a manly pastime. No more relevant to a healthy lifestyle than the oik-ish sons of the aforementioned oiks travelling across country to fight other mobs of oiks at soccer matches. Strange. Get some therapy.

>6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
>more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if
>you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

>----------------------

We suggest you do carry firearms frequently. Bad people have a dislike for getting hurt or shot and we find, in general, that when the number of dead or injured bad people is larger than the dead or injured victim ‘good people’ it serves as an effective disincentive to the two groups coming into contact too often. An armed society is a polite society. Possibly armed criminals preying on unarmed victims conditioned for passivity or flight is analogous to toffs firing at grouse but we find a high proportion of strong and independent people armed and prepared not to defer to thuggery a preferable situation to that of paying people compensation in the form of the Criminal Compensation Scheme, now unsustainable due to the number of claims.

>7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
>start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,
>you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
>conversion tables.
>Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the
>British sense of humour.

Once the citizens of the US stop laughing long enough over the British assumption that it ‘lost’ the US in a war of independence there may be time to find other things to laugh at. The ‘British’ army (made up of many German mercenaries) was defeated and ‘outshot’ by English, Scottish, Welsh and Irish settlers; a lesson HMG has not forgotten and this seems a mighty fine joke to have deluded ones own country with for two and a half centuries.

>--------------------

>8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have
>been calling gasoline)-roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

By reducing petrol prices to the equivalent of those in the US will result in the final collapse of the health service. While this at first glance might seem terrible, such anomalies as the most common national health operation being a vasectomy and the third most common being its reversal will prove a thing of the past. The general dissatisfaction in ones own physical image will be allowed to continue but the fact that those who suffer periods ‘totally freaked out’ due to breast size, strawberry birthmark or gender identity will have to pay out of their own pockets rather than somebody (anybody) else’s for such life enhancement. This seems much fairer, is likely to reduce the urgency plus allows time for reflection or for working harder to raise the necessary funds. It may also raise awareness of the need to look after oneself to avoid illness or disease. (See section following regarding real chips). Ask not how your country may improve you; ask instead, how you may improve your own country.

>-------------------

>9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
>fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
>potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut,
>fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

>-------------------

Black pudding is not black it is red and artificially colored it is a blood sausage. Let’s get this right. Spotted Dick is not a spotted dick but simply one manifestation of a repressed sexuality.

>10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
>actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
>referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
>provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also
>acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation
>on earth and it can only be due to the beer.
>They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
>American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so
>that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

>---------------------

The ex-British should get used to drinking coffee. Not the freeze dried rubbish but fresh coffee ground and made with care. In this we are pleased to see inroads being made. Well done. As for South African sporting powers; perhaps it was forged in the first concentration camps, invented and operated by H.M.G.

>11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors
>as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors
>to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English
>dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to
>having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

>---------------------

English films will be required to aspire to something other than to be sub-standard American gangster movies with more swearing and less convincing car chases or period pieces in which the boy doesn’t get boy or the girl doesn’t get the girl amidst much angst and an inordinate amount of talking or frowning.

>12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind
>of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough
>will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities
>to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every
>twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body Armour like a bunch of
>nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash
>you, like they regularly thrash us.

>---------------------

We are interested to observe the death of British football. Football clubs with English names are now full of non-British players adopting a style of football from the European sub-continent and known in the past as cheating playing their games in countries other than Great Britain. Well done.

>13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
>host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
>outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a
>world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will
>learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to
>take the sting out of their deliveries.

>--------------------

Baseball is probably the most popular sport in Japan. Yakyu, as baseball is called in Japanese, was introduced from the United States during the early Meiji Period. There are two professional baseball leagues in Japan: the Central League and the Pacific League. They consist of six teams each. Baseball games are broadcast live on television several times per week during the season. Furthermore, there is a large number of university and high school baseball teams. The finals of the high school baseball tournaments, in particular, enjoy a large popularity and are broadcast nationwide. Several Japanese baseball players are also playing highly successfully in the American Major League and enjoy great popularity and media coverage in Japan.

For your information, Japan is a small country with a monarchy (symbolic only) and has traditionally an exaggerated sense of it’s own importance. It owns most of your car manufacturers along with the US and sells the UK most of it’s cars. A country of 127,000,000 people (approximately twice your own) the majority of whom live on two large islands and many smaller ones. It has a tradition of crossing the sea to it’s nearest continental neighbours, fighting wars with them and robbing them blind. It has disarmed its population of all firearms such is the governments distrust of it’s own people. How does one spell dejavu?

>14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

You first; was it the Duke of Edinburgh or Prince Charles did for Di?

>-----------------

>15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her
>Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the
>acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

>---------------

That’s a good one. Two years after finally paying us back the last instalment for money loaned to you to pay for the guns and ammo that got you out of the shit in WWII you want to try to reclaim it. Before WWII British money owned 40% of US industry, afterwards, 5%. We did OK; thanks! The City of London, financial capital of the world; yeah right.

>16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with
>saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and
>cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

>

>

Shops open at 9am, close at 1pm for one hour, open at 2pm then close again at 5.30 on the dot. Some weekdays the shops will close at 2pm and stay closed fror the rest of the day (this is known as early closing day). On Saturday only the larger stores open all day and Sunday; never. Such a quaint tradition. We await a thank you for freeing you from such shackles.

>God save the Queen.

>

>

God help the Queen

prwales
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Re: To the citizens of the United States of America

yes it is transparent, Bush's campaign was paid for by his financial backers in Texas principally oilmen, Reagan was funded by the arms manufacturers in California's. That's how it works across the pond. In Britain it seemed that pretty much the same thing applied with Bliar; was he obeying Bush's orders or Haliburton's? Either way its hardly a good advert for our system, ask Bernie Ecclestone how easy it is to subvert British "Democracy".

"land and bread"

mortinson
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Re: To the citizens of the United States of America

And I thought that you Brits would conserve the good old sense of humour that has made your people famous... clearly not!

It seems the perfect excuse for you guys need to start a fight!

Where is the world going? :shock:

prwales
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Re: To the citizens of the United States of America

you started it!

peter perfect
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Re: To the citizens of the United States of America

prwales wrote:
you started it!

he's got a point

mortinson
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Re: To the citizens of the United States of America
gelandenwagen
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Re: To the citizens of the United States of America

I posted a joke also. It was ironic.
Something the Brits are known for is irony and something the Americans, supposedly, don't get.

prwales
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Re: To the citizens of the United States of America

I wasn't joking I think we both live in "Craptocracies". That's not irony its plain old cynicism.

draxey
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Re: To the citizens of the United States of America

Well I thought it was funny :D We would really improve the place, they are a shambles sometimes look at what they did with New Orleans (NOTHING) they are supposed to be the most "civilised" nation on earth

prwales
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Re: To the citizens of the United States of America

when you say civilised do you mean cultured? Civilised just means living in a city.

marcus
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Re: To the citizens of the United States of America

Actually old boy ( and also those living in Norfolk)
I firmly believe that we have to stop fighting nature and concede some real estate, like bits of the British coast and indeed New Orleans.
Tough!!

draxey
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Re: To the citizens of the United States of America

True that but I was talking about the rescue or lack of it immediatly afterwards didn't look good for a rich civilised cultured "developed" nation. Anyways just an observation, they make sh*t cars too :D (we own two Dodges before you say anything, they do their job but not particularly fast/economical or notable in any way) Unlike our beloved G's which can be all of the above (just not all at the same time :D )

gelandenwagen
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Re: To the citizens of the United States of America

"We would really improve the place"

Now that is funny.

"When you say civilised do you mean cultured? Civilised just means living in a city".

Not in many of the cities I've visited. Not cultured either.

prwales
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Re: To the citizens of the United States of America

You really need to visit some of the great European cities, Paris, Rome, Lisbon, Barcelona, Vienna, Copenhagen, Stockholm to see how time culture and civilisation blend, I would include Edinburgh and Bath in these as well but obviously not London.