Wednesday 22nd January

 

'Optional G63 AMG Experience'. Even by the standards of a massively exciting AMG Winter Driving Academy weekend, this promised to be special. I've never driven one before, and probably never will again, so was especially keen to grab the opportunity.

 

 

But what would an 'optional experience' comprise? Fears of being chaperoned very slowly around the a lake with one of the event staff were allayed by cheery instructor Marcus when he said: "We do three laps with the ESP on so you can get used to the car, then we turn it off and you continue for as long as you want". Very well Marcus, as you wish...

 

The interior of a G-Wagen is unlike anything else. The driver sits perched and upright, using the pedals as they would on a piano and looking through a near-vertical windscreen just a few inches away. Chunky buttons for the diff locks sit incongruously beneath the latest Merc Comand screen. It has a conventional handbrake and the fuel consumption display stops reading at 30l/100km. Marcus reckoned we were well beyond that.

 

The G63 isn't an objectively good car by any measure or any stretch of the imagination. Even on the smoother parts of the lake it could feel unsettled and agitated despite its huge weight. The ESP almost brings the car to a halt quite frequently in a tireless battle with car's mass. It feels its age, put simply.

 

But the powertrain feels very, very contemporary indeed, which makes for a hilariously terrifying drive. Even at 2.5 tonnes, the544hp hurls the G-Wagen along with massive speed. Marcus put the window down after about five minutes; seeing my confused face (it was 30 degrees below zero outside) he said: "You have to hear this car. It is the most authentic sounding of all the AMGs."

He wasn't wrong. The side-exit exhausts are on the driver's side and the noise is plain ridiculous. The pitch never rises too much, there's just this tirade of V8 rumble across the entire rev range that grows and grows in ferocity. Many aviation metaphors have probably been made about the sound of this car; all of them are applicable.

 

I can't say I became accustomed to the G63 in the 15 minutes or so driving it. Indeed, most corners involved battling the understeer with great armfuls of lock, the steering wheel not apparently having any tangible connection with the front wheels.

 

But. But. Occasionally it would turn in, occasionally it would hook up and occasionally the G63 would go really rather sideways. They probably weren't great powerslides but it felt terrific with a commanding view over the lake and that fabulous soundtrack. I even got it straight fairly smoothly a couple of times too. The G63 AMG is a largely irrelevant, hideously profligate and horribly unsophisticated car that I totally adore.